NHL General Manager's Boot Camp - the Summer 2008 Edition

On the brink of the NHL playoffs, those teams that are shut out of the post season may well be thinking of the golf course when they should be pondering next season.

While the players may have a month or two to dally about the tee, the general managers have a much tougher row to hoe. Between tee times, business lunches, massages, and meetings with their financial advisors, GMs have to get down to the business of creating next year's Stanley Cup contender.

Good news, GMs! I have decided to make your jobs much easier this season by offering an intensive Boot Camp! Whether you are a seasoned veteran such as Holland or Sutter, or a fresh faced rookie like Hull, we've got a workshop for you, with lessons from your past and present compatriots!

(Don't worry about the tee times, either; as always, the event will be conveniently held in proximity of at least 7 world class golf courses. )

After a keynote address Friday evening by president Gary Bettman, a black tie cocktail party and schmooze session will be held in the hotel.

The tentative schedule is as follows:

1. Free Agents: Fierce or Freeloaders? by Wendell Clark and Ray Bourque

2. How to keep your team in the red and out of Canada by Gary Bettman, Bill Wirtz and Barry Shenkarow

3. Kids with Skills: Find them, keep them by Ray Shero and Kevin Lowe

4. How to run a profitable club and never win by Richard Peddie and the ghost of Harold Ballard

5. Shoestring Budget, Cup Contender by Lou Lamoriello

6. Winnning in the regular season means squat in the playoffs: A personal perspective by Marshall Johnston

7. Dumb Trades and how to avoid them by Bob Gainey and Daryl Sutter

Don't delay, book your spaces now!

Oh, unless you happen to be Cliff Fletcher, Dave Nonis, Jay Feaster, Garth Snow, or Dean Lombardi. Your spots are already reserved, and attendance is mandatory.

Knowing when to quit

The past ten years have seen a rash of free agent short-term NHL contract deals as talent-strapped teams desperately grasp for the Cup. What's more, it's not high demand players at the top of their game; it's men who had already decided to hang up their skates.

The short list includes Ray Bourque, Dave Andreychuk, Dominik Hasek, Scott Niedermayer, and most recently Teemu Selanne.

Some of these guys, like Bourque, came back for that one final chance at the elusive Stanley Cup. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. However, it's hard to leave the game that had been your entire life behind.

Imagine achieving your every childhood dream, your teenage hopes, your adult ambitions. Now what? The rest of your life is a big, gaping void in front of you. What do you do with it?

It's no wonder many turn back to the familiar world they love for one last shot at glory. Let them do their victory lap, and get their legs under them for the new challenges ahead.

Maybe all it takes is a little respite to rekindle that youthful passion and drive. Let's see what Selanne can bring the Ducks in the way of grit, determination, and experience. At the very least, the Pacific division will get a little more interesting.

Too litte, too late, and not enough

I love it.

A press release stating that tomorrow, we're going to announce that MLSE is firing someone, and hiring someone else.

Not that the firing is a surprise. I've been expecting it since October (and complaining, loudly, about the delay of the inevitable). Like all sports fans, I think I know what's best for "my" team, not like those idiots holding the reins.

But I digress. Is it just me, or isn't it kind of redundant to state you're going to fire someone tomorrow? Or to make an announcement that you'll be making an announcement to announce what you're relaying in the first announcement?

Just get it over with, already! Okay, you fired Ferguson. Like we couldn't see that coming. In a stroke of senility, MLSE re-hired geriatric Cliff Fletcher, whom they previously fired for his inability. Hmm. Sounds like a Stanley Cup winning move to me.

I can't be a Leafs fan without being a cynical, eye-rolling pessimist. It just isn't possible. The truth, as I see it, remains the same, no matter who stands behind the bench or plops his behind in the GM seat (which is probably a cushy place to be, win or lose). Why? We all know why. The owners want to make money, and they do so whether the team sits atop the standings or flails about in the basement.

Oh, lots of hand-wringing goes on, posturing and such. I'm sure Peddie wanders home after every press conference and giggles gleefully to himself, like Scrooge McDuck rolling about in his bank vault. (On weekends, they invite teachers over for giant coin-counting parties).

So, I'm going to pull out my crystal ball and predict what's going to happen. Fletcher is going to come in, and some shuffling is going to happen. Most likely, he'll trade Sundin (fingers crossed) and then re-sign him in the summer (which is the worst idea ever). He might make a few other crappy trades to try and spice things up for the rest of the season, maybe even move a goalie if we're lucky. However, the best best would be to let the team finish dead last, get a good draft position, and look forward.

Then again, it's very easy to sling orders from where I sit. And ol' Cliffy might find he won't have the freedom he enjoyed in the nineties.

Sit back, and enjoy the drama. This is better than "Days of our Lives."